I write here because I take solace in knowing that no one reads this anymore and I suppose I need somewhere to vent and spew feelings. Recently everythings just been going downhill. Academically I've failed myself by dropping a class I really wanted to take but soon figured out I would not be able to handle. Now I only am taking three classes and feel rather disappointed with myself. To make up for it I told myself that I'd take five classes winter quarter. After signing up for what seemed to be a perfect schedule, I was soon dropped from GEO 143 because Dingemans decided to retire on short notice and then I learned that Aubree's really bad teacher is teaching Pol 130 again, so I dropped that and readded classes which make my schedule not so nice anymore. I have to wait till pass 2 to see if there are actually any classes left open that I can take as a fifth class, and so far things arent looking good on that point. My computer keeps dying on me and is rather outdated for any new games which is also rather sad and disappointing. My brother sent me two games which both wont work on my computer, and Kevin let me borrow Civilization 4, which also doesnt work all that well. I wish I had a better computer but whatever. I've come to realize many other things, such as my political views/views on society. I am quite disgusted with the current state of the world and depressed on how miserable life is for other people. I will admit that I am a hypocrit and dont exactly do my part to make their lives better but why does the entire western 'civilization' have to abuse and maltreat the poor people of the world. Its sad and disgusting and the more I think about it the more I want to go out and help these people. I really want to do Engineering w/o Boarders this year, but Anamica hasnt been quite willing to work with me because of ideological conflicts. This is to speak of the least of my problems...sadly. I suppose my bigger 'sad' issues are my lack of people contact mainly found here at the apartment and with my relationship. Here in my apartment all four of my roommates belong to one organization, which I dont belong to. Its just weird b/c its always the four of them, and me. But thats easier to deal with then the other issue. I've been in my relationship for a year and a half. I love Kristen more than life itself but recently our relationship hasnt been very....'loving'? I keep walking around and seeing couples everywhere holding hands, hugging, kissing, and it just makes me sad because for some reason our relationship has left that area. All I can conclude from this is that she doesnt want to be with me, which my heart tells me isnt true. I'm just so confused. I know why she doesnt have time to spend with me, but I wish that she wouldnt completely push me away for her clubs and other activities. Aubree told me that this is just one more bump in the road, and if we can get through this then we can get through anything. I believe we can, but I just want to get over this bump as soon as possible... I only get in relationships when I'm serious about them and want to commit for a very long time, and I know I want to be with Kristen because she is such an awesome person with the right political and social views. I can only admire her personality and hope that theres something in me she likes, I keep trying to make myself appear like I'm there for her, but I dont want to make it seem like I'm a thorn in her side. Well that was my emotional outburst for the evening.

Emil's thoughts took float @ 9:27 PM